i think i pulled something!

i was wondering how long it would take to feel the effects of exercise. i mean the positive effects. so far, i only feel like i've already accomplished something by the time i'm riding the bus into work.

how about the negative effects? well i have learned from my past. several times, i vowed to get into shape, and started working out in one form or another. the result? i either couldn't exercise the next day, or i couldn't move at all! you take a day or two off to recover, and you never get back into it.

this time i was careful. i took it easy, and so far so good. i mean i can certainly feel that some muscles have been used much more than they're used to. i must have done something right though, because it's not really pain. it's just an awareness.

as far as yesterday goes... my first day on the new treadmill... i hate running. (running is for escaping danger, or catching your children before they run into danger.) ok, sometimes it's for catching a bus. i have on occasion had to run over half a block to catch it! the result? i invariably feel shin splints coming on as i board the bus, and by the time i get off the bus and walk to my car, they're rather distracting.

i don't know if it was the extra time i took stretching out afterward, or that the shock-absorbing cushioning the treadmill claims to have is actually working, but i didn't get any yesterday. i was feeling pretty good.

as the day went on, however, i began having a pain in the side of my right foot. kind of unusual. it almost feels like i'm walking on a bruise. but only when i'm on it. when i feel it, or try to massage it, i can't find a pain source! i have no pain when i'm not walking on it. i have full function of all toes, without pain. it only hurts when i walk on it.

determined not to let that get me, i was back on the exercise bike this morning. which was fine, i had planned on rotating back and forth anyway. i may be on the bike more than i thought... hopefully it's not a big deal, and will heal quickly.

i didn't mean this to be any kind of pity-party, but it seems to have grown beyond a report on my progress. sorry. i guess if there is anything to this post, it's that in my very limited, three-day experience, exercise isn't as bad as i'd dreaded. yes getting up any earlier than absolutely necessary still sucks. yes i'm still tired at the end of (and often earlier) the day, but i don't know that i'm any more tired that i was before i started exercising. i'm hoping that at some point i'll get the benefits of "added energy" and all that stuff fitness gurus spout off about. for the time being, i'll just hope i am doing something to prolong, or at least not shorten my life, and that i can prevent my gut from needed a second area code.

i'm off and running!

we had decided that the exercise bike gets a bit monotonous. (ok, that's what my beautiful wife told me. i'd never used it enough to know...) anyway, we decided that a treadmill would be the best addition, and we earmarked part of the tax refund to that.

well after a lot of looking, one of the frontrunners in our search went on sale, so yesterday we picked it up. it was a lot of fun. i know that sounds silly, but think about it. my wonderful wife couldn't wait for the change of pace, and i was so looking forward to the "some assembly required" element. (it's a guy thing. like a puzzle, but you get to use tools!)

well, the treadmill is a wonder. it started working as soon as we got it home. we both got a good workout hauling it from the van to the basement!

later that night, after dinner, reading to the boys, and tucking them it, i gathered my tools and set off for the basement!

put on the music and let the party begin! it's a good one too! lots of little screws and washers, bolts and everything. this isn't just a phillips screwdriver job! i need a couple of wrenches, pliers, wire-cutters, etc.

without boring you with details, an hour or so later, it is whole and ready. we play with the various controls, and walk on it a bit. yes, this will certainly work the legs and get the heart pumping!

this is where the story takes a turn toward the unbelievable. i'm lying in my comfy warm bed this morning, and wonder what time it is. it's 5:50am. ten full minutes before my alarm will go off. why am i awake? what is going on? this isn't right!

can you guess what happened then? that's right. i went back to sleep. i'm not that crazy! (i know, what's so unbelievable about that? ok how about this?) i'm looking at my clock through bleary eyes when it turns to 6:00am, and the alarm goes off. but i don't hit snooze. i shut it off. i get up. (i kind of have to now, or i'll fall asleep with no alarm!)

well my body resists waking as i stumble downstairs. but soon enough, i'm walking a nice leisurely pace as the treadmill ramps up into the pre-programmed "course" i've selected. fifteen minutes later, i'm now running at six mph with sweat running down my face. this is good exercise! i'm feeling it. only another minute or two, and this program will take me back to a quick walk for another ten minutes or so, and then cool down.

what? why is it slowing down already? and so quickly? aw crap! i pulled the little safety key out and shut the sucker down. i was so enjoying the program i was on too! i had to finish out my walk in manual mode guessing about when to increase and decrease the spead based on the graphic representation of the program i was in the middle of.

despite my flash of anger and mistrust, i didn't take the safety key off. thoughts of my out of shape, early-waken, worn by running, legs giving out sending me to the floor to have my face sanded of by the running belt, prevented that. it will take some time to get a feel for running on a treadmill.

that's nothing to the feel of walking around the room when you first get off the treadmill! that was fun. my legs were a bit rubbery, but not as bad as i thought they'd be. time felt distorted, as though i was moving way to fast for the size of steps i was taking. the floor seemed to want to rise up to meet me, like i was leaning dangerously far forward. it wore off quickly, but it was kind of fun while it lasted.

on top of it all, i went upstairs, shaved, showered, got ready and caught my bus to work. this of course means two days in a row. it's not a personal record, but it is certainly a vast improvement over the past year or five.

it felt good too. good enough to know that i need some good running shoes. hopefully good enough to keep me going when i am really tired one morning...

one down...

well, it's almost april, and i finally did something i've thought about and planned since new years. i got up early, did a little exercise and still had time to shave, shower, dress, and catch the bus to work.

it sounds silly, but it took a lot. we have a nice, comfy, bed, and i am not a morning person by choice. ok, maybe i am. i choose to stay employed by getting up earlier than i want and going to work!

i know reading about my exercise is easily as boring as the exercise itself, but i figured if i blogged it, then i'd have more motivation to continue this pattern.

sunday is a time for ...

over-eating like mad, and still cramming desert down, even when it comes too soon afterward.

we've been home from grandma and grandpa's house for a couple of hours, and dinner was finished a couple of hours before we left.

i'm still full.

this is a great tribute to the joining of my near total lack of self restraint when good food is involved, and the wonderful cooking of my lovely wife's mother. then again, so is my rapidly expanding belly!

my wonderful wife is trying to help. she gave away almost all of the delicious cake she had made for desert. only a few pieces left. i might get one. our sugar-junkie boys will likely eat all they can.

i'm sure it's for the best. just like the exercise bike in the basement...

balance

life is a constant balancing act.

you try to make a simple improvement, like say, insulating the garage door. the garage is warmer in the winter, cooler in the summer, that's good. it was a simple project using materials you already had, so that's a bonus. so how could this be bad in any way?

well, without realizing it, the minimal weight of the insulation, added to the door, has upset the deceptively delicate balance. the motor is working harder, and the gears are wearing out much faster.

despite the pure intentions, and positive benefits, the opener failed and will need repair. and to prevent this from happening again, the tension needs to be adjusted, bringing the system back into balance. yes, of course it's an extra expense, but it's worth not having to remove the insulation.

the expense is understandable, and fortunately comes on the heels of the tax refund. the rub is, seemingly out of the blue, the garage door fails to open when your lovely wife tries to take your son to school. it let you, who put it out of balance in the first place, leave for work just fine.

even when you do a small, simple improvement, it may have lasting consequences further down the road. these consequences are not necessarily bad. we have learned, and made further, albeit unexpected, improvements the the larger garage door system.

i don't really know where i'm going with this, i was just trying to find a way to not feel so bad about screwing up our garage door, and costing us money that we'd like to spend on other improvements.

i'm done complaining...

...for now.

so after a craptastic "vacation," i was back to work yesterday. i quickly decided that my winter relapse wasn't so bad. i'm stubborn. so why the sudden change of attitude?

before i had even walked to my office, i learned that one of my co-worker's father had unexpectedly passed away over the weekend. as if that wasn't enough, it wasn't even half an hour before i found out that another co-worker had lost his nephew.

that kind of puts it in perspective doesn't it? i no longer felt like whining about my trivial losses.

death is interesting that way. i mean aside from the immediate saddness and suffereing, it has a way of putting our everyday worldly concerns in the light they should be. they are fleeting, temporary concerns. this naturally leads us to ponder what is lasting? is anything really eternal?

happily, both of my co-workers, and the bulk of their families understand the plan of salvation that our loving father in heaven prepared for us. they know that the family is a lasting, eternal bond. we're all grateful for the peace and confort this knowledge provides, even in the depth of pain and sorrow.

as always, when a death occurs nearby, thoughts turn to family. since it is the only enduring relationship, what else really matters? all the other activities, demands, and distractions, regardless of their value, properly take a back seat.

hopefully these experiences prompt a shift of focus, back to the things of more importance. even from good, to better. from the transitory and mortal, to the everlasting and undying.

in short, my missed vacation has definitely been over-shadowed by the time i was able to spend with the most important people in my life. all else fades, but we will be together throughout time and all eternity!

why is it so difficult!?!?

why is it, you can plan a vacation, and get everything taken care of, but not be able to cope with staying home?

as you know from my previous posts, this week was to be a good old-fashioned family vacation. until winter decided to throw another fit. (or three). at first i was hopeful, that the weather would clear, and we could enjoy a shortened trip with a slightly delayed departure date. but the snow kept coming.

the dilema quickly became, do i go to work, or do we try to salvage some fun out of the week locally?

it seems like a simple enough question, but i'm not sure there is a correct answer...

since time off from work is now as difficult to come by as it ever has been for me, (i'm still getting used to my new responsibilities,) i decided not to go into work. "duh!" you're thinking! but what you don't realize is that when i'm home on a weekday with nothing planned, i throw off the routine of the house. it's bad enough with my five-year-old off track from school, now add me.

monday we wasted most of the day deciding what to do. but we did have an enjoyable night at the dinosaur museum. (see my wife's blog here for more about that.)

yesterday was still by and large, a waste. today was no better. since i don't want to go to work tomorrow, i now have the task of finding something to do. ordinarily, i have a decent list of fun things to do locally. unfortunately, most of them are outdoor, and require better weather than this sucktacular week has offered.

so it's back to the drawing board, as it were...

let's talk about the weather.

a haiku:

dark, cold, ice, wind, snow
depressing, crappy, weather
i despise winter

i should have known it was too good to last! we haven't had a proper family vacation for years. granted we were able to enjoy some time in nauvoo illinois last summer, but as i was working most of the time...

things at work have somewhat settled in, and there are lulls during which i can take vacation. the new variable is that my five year old is now a kindergartener. his school is year-round. naturally, my knee-jerk reaction to this was what it had been when i was in school. "that sucks!" but now, i'm a working adult. i'm not a teacher, like both of my parents, so i now realize that the traditional summer vacation is over-rated!

the lesson du jour for us is coordinating my work schedule with five's school track schedule. i had a real break at work, but five was on-track. five goes off-track here, but i'll be swamped at work. etc. etc. etc.

finally he has a break that cooincides nicely with some down time for me. what to do? we have had glimpses of spring the last couple of weeks, so naturally our "spring fever" has reached the critical phase. we want to be outside! we want to go camping. (we can't afford to do much else...) it is still rather cool most days, and downright cold at night. what to do? where to go?

i start tracking weather in southern utah. if we went south, say to zion national park, they are occasionally hitting 70 degrees! it's almost always in the mid to upper 60's, and the overnight lows are tolerable. ok. this could be a plan!

enter the unpredictability of utah weather. just days before we have planned to leave, the extended forcast shows snow. statewide! we keep watching and waiting, hoping it will clear out soon enough. everyday, the extended forcast shows another storm, continued cold, and snow.

so here we are, a couple of days into our "vacation" and we're stuck at home. zion n.p. had a record 8+ inches of snow the day we were hoping to arrive there... of course, five goes back to school monday, and his next big break will be during a pretty busy time for me at work. hopefully we can get work things out for a few days. but for the next few months, we'll have to try little weekend activities.

so you can see there is no denying my feelings, since, once again, my loathing for winter is justified and further fueled.

two more years?!

i guess i shouldn't complain. at least it is finally happening!

sorry. i am of course speaking of commuter rail along the wasatch front. what about it? i can't wait for it! that's what. after thirteen years of my wishing, finally there is some action. check out the Front Runner

by way of background, i am one of the thousands that work in salt lake city, but can't afford to live there. we live in outlying areas primarily to the north and south. (the wasatch front is much longer n/s that it is wide e/w.) how far outside downtown you live is by and large a function of your salary, versus the dramatically inflated housing costs.

anyway, thirteen years ago, i returned from living in japan. i spent nearly two years in the north end of tokyo and outlying areas to the north. i saw first hand the marvel that is the efficiency of the japanese rail system. the japanese can quite literally, set their watch by the trains.

shortly after i had returned home, and fallen back into my casual, car-driving, i began working in salt lake. my schedule at the time meant i never had to fight rush-hour traffic. with gas under a buck a gallon, i no longer considered the busses that took two or three times as long to get there. (express busses run during rush-hours, not my travel time.)

then, almost nine years ago, my new wife and i moved to new york city to work for a while. in many ways it took me back to japan. i rode the subway to work. i was reading books again. (i love to read, i just never found the time... but on the train...) i loved riding the train. plus the monthly transit pass was cheaper than my car insurance, let alone gas!

when we moved back to utah, and i began working "normal" hours, i quickly learned what rush-hour meant. since my wife and i both worked downtown, we rode in together, and occasionally had really bad traffic.

sidebar: for those who don't know, salt lake city is in the north end of a large valley. access to the valley from the north and south bottlenecks severely. (i mentioned how long and narrow the wasatch front was...) i-15 is the only thoroghfare on each end. if there is a wreck, or bad weather, the freeway backs up, and the few alternate, back roads, quickly fill beyond capacity, so there is no escape. (recently a bad snow and resultant crashes closed portions of the freeway, and there were people living by me who spend five hours getting home.)

anyway, about this time salt lake put light rail down the center of the valley, and seemed surprised how many people used it. i had always known that it would be a big success, and wished there was something like it for me...

later, after my five-year-old was born, mom stayed home, so i started going in to work alone. to save a little gas money, and to avoid stress on snowy days, i began taking the express bus. all together, it only took about 10 minutes longer than my drive. i didn't care because i saved a lot of gas money, and was reading again!

flash forward. after years of debate, including the legal debate that put the alternate highway project years behind schedule, commuter rail is under construction. i didn't care about the new highway, because with the growth rate in davis county, it wouldn't be enough for long, and even now, if it were available, a crash on it or i-15 would still fill the other, and back traffic up.

i wanted to ride a train to work again. how many times had i sat in traffic, barely moving, when i looked out the bus window to see freight trains flying past, wishing i was on it? at last, now i can look out the bus window and see construction progressing. in just about two years i should have my wish.

it looks like that in about five years, the rail system along the wasatch front will closely resemble maps i drew about seven years ago. i don't say this to brag. merely to show that even in the wide open spaces of the west, cars aren't always the answer.

i know this is kind of a boring, pointless ramble. if you couldn't tell, it took about 55 minutes longer than normal to get in to work this morning...

it's only a haircut...

it just seemed like a much bigger deal!

to help you understand what i mean, you need to know that my two boys, five and two, have always had long hair. not like over the shoulder, mullet, or 80's rock star, just longer than most little boys. they have basically just had a bowl cut forever. you know, the hair looks like a brown bowl sitting on their heads. just above the eyes, covering the ears, and tilting back toward the shirt collar.

anyway, they both have such beautiful hair, it was fun to have lots of it to show. especially the two-year-old. he is blonde. the rest of us are varying shades of dark brown! we have a lot of great pictures of them jumping, or hanging upside down, etc. that really show the length!

we've talked several times about shortening it. particularly now that #1 is in kindergarten. we just haven't been able to bring ourselves to do it, because they're so cute! it is so fun to watch as they run and jump aroung.

anyway, kindergartener told mom he wanted his hair cut short, like daddy's. (daddy only has short hair because of the dress code at his job!) so we've spent the last day or two getting used to the idea, and realizing that he will be cute regardless. he will certainly fit in with his classmates more!

i don't know how much my longing for former days of longer locks play into it, but i still didn't like the idea. the hair is one of the most unique things about my boys. we get comments all the time about it. (almost always positive. grandma doesn't care for it, and he did recently get mistaken for a girl...) ok, maybe it is time to let this phase pass. after all, he will be six in a couple of months!

well i'd completely fogotten about this conversation at work, so imagine my surprise when five comes running to meet me when i got home from work! he looks so cute. so different! so much older... i knew i would miss his long hair, but i also knew how cute it would be to have this little schoolboy haircut too. it was a lot of fun.

but that's not the end of the story. i hear the clippers going, and come around the corner to see the finishing touches being put on two's haircut. oh no! not him too! we hadn't talked about that! i wasn't prepared! his hair was so much softer, blonder, and more beautiful! now it was all on the floor, and what was left was brown! i had to stifle a sob in my throat!

i was quickly distracted, however, by the hair on the floor. not just the amount, but the length of the trimmings! there was hair cut from five's head that was seriously six inches long! (and he's not bald, by any stretch!) that and the two distinct colors.

it will certainly take some getting used to. now that the initial shock is past, it will just be coming home from work the next few days, and going, "whoa, who are you?" don't get me wrong, they don't look bad. they are definitely still my wild boys. it seems pretty silly to get hung up on something like this. plus, it is kind of fun. i mean they're really cute, and now you can see their faces better. (oddly enough the same haircut made five's head look smaller, and two's look bigger...)

it's oscar time...

big d's random thoughts

does anyone really care? how on earth do we take an awards show and turn it into an event like the superbowl? (another rant...) i mean, it's just a bunch of awards for films that most people don't usually care about.

it seems like every year there is more discussion about how political the awards are, and how disconnected with the movie-going audience the academy has become. even so, the oscar show is a bigger deal than it should be. if we would just get wise, and not watch, maybe it would stop being such an overblown thing.

if it wasn't such a big deal, maybe then the celebrities wouldn't feel so empowered (if not obligated) to tell us what we should study in school, how we should feel about politics, which charities we should support, what styles to embrace and how ridiculous morals and religious conviction are. if we ignored them, maybe they would be more concerned with learning what we want, instead of just telling us.

don't get me wrong. i love movies. i work in the arts, including film and video. i appreciate many of the movies that win awards, and have even liked some of them. i think it's worth putting up with all the crap movies that come out of the hollywood machine, in order to see the handful of intelligent, entertaining, thought-provoking movies that manage to get made alongside the others. after all, you don't have to watch the crap if you don't want to.

my whole life, i've only shut off a couple of movies because they were so stupid they weren't worth my time. honestly, with very little effort, you can tell which ones are worth seeing, and which ones look awful. just by watching the trailers, you can tell which movies are obviously not worth watching. if the trailer has lots of potty humor and cleavage, you can probably be sure that the script is less than well written.

with a little more effort you can wade through reviews. granted most critics are either as disconnected with audiences as hollywood, or are on the payroll of some production company. even so, once you've read a few reviews, especially by critics you're familiar with, you can pick enough information out, to know whether you're likely to enjoy a movie or not. it's certainly, more reliable than just watching trailers.

i know. taking responsibility for what you watch is a crazy idea. still it's better than wasting money on crap because the studio assured you through advertising that it was the "must-see movie of the year." it is the best advice, especially if you're like me, and seem to like movies that most people hate, and hate movies most people love.

enjoy what you like, ignore what you don't. don't let the establishment tell you what is good. don't let critics tell you what is bad. but most of all, don't let the entertainment industries (film, tv, music) tell you what to think. do the research, and make an informed decision. they only have as much influence as we give them.

it's about time!

big d's random thoughts

of course i'm referring to friday. why is it, that fridays can never come fast enough? this week was a four-day week for me, (with my sick day monday) yet it still seemed to drag on. granted i was sick, and most of the week, i felt like i'd been rode hard and put away wet. now i'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open. anyway, the point is, even during weeks when a holiday knocks a day or two off, the friday seems elusive.

if you read my post about mondays, you will understand what i now say about fridays. if there is a holiday on a friday, then thursday becomes friday, and it still seems to be very slow in coming.

some will no doubt say that the anticipation skews your perception of time. "a watched pot never boils," and all that rubbish. i think it is much deeper and more sinister than that! think about it. regardless of what you are looking forward to, or fearing, or whatever, time doesn't seem to be a constant. there is something about time that fluctuates.

what if it could be manipulated? like time-travel, but simpler. i don't know if we will ever travel through time, because i can't understand how you could get the three basic dimensions to stay in tact relative to each other, while moving along the fourth dimension. (i suspect there are additional dimensions that come in to play here, but that's another post...) still, they say it is theoretically possible.

how about just adjusting that fourth dimension a little. speeding up, or slowing down "time" just a bit. i know that presents the same basic problem "time-travel" does, but it doesn't seem quite as difficult. doesn't "theoretically possible" technologically speaking, mean "we haven't been able to do it yet, but we have had some limited success?"

where does the most advanced technology come from? whether or not there is alien influence, the fact is that it comes from the military. think about it. time-travel would be the single most effective military weapon. and the most dangerous. there have been movies and everything, about today's weapons being used in the recent past to dramatically change the outcome of past wars.
anyway, without this turning into an entirely different subject, while the military would naturally be interested in time-travel, the ability to speed-up or slow-down time would be less useful.

sure, slow down time a bit, so soldiers can react better. how often do they say gun battles seem to happen in slow motion? what if they did? what if our soldiers weren't slowed, but everything else seemed to? that would be an advantage. think about our war on terror. casualties almost always result from hidden bombs. there are almost no casualties from shoot-outs.

now, how does the military fund all this research? granted the defense budget is enormous, and they obviously don't really pay $150 for a toilet seat. still, if research is expensive, testing and development is even more so. what's the answer? you sell the technology.

it's like the pharmaceutical companies (another rant, another day). they pay for r&d with income from existing drugs. it's simple. think of the possibilities. velcro pays for stealth technology. laser rangefinding tools pay for night vision. gps navigation pays for time travel?

it's common knowledge that the commercial gadgets we buy are ten to twenty years behind the military's development. which is fine. i like it that our defenders have more advanced tools than anyone else. anyway, what if our current war was so expensive, that the military had to sell technology earlier than usual? what if they were selling unfinished technology? think about it...

corporate america. how much would they pay the government if time were manipulated in their favor? maybe that's the real reason time at work seems much slower than time off. it's a huge coup! we go to work and put in our eight hours for our eight hours of pay, but we're there for the equivalent of ten or twelve hours! we're working more than we realize, or are being paid for!

how else can big companies save money by reducing the workforce? fewer people do the same work load in the same time? impossible. we do the same workload by working the same amount of relative time, while the clocks only show the usual eight hours!

you know i'm onto something don't you? it all makes sense. it doesn't sound that far-fetched, and moreover, it feels real! i think i'm onto something. certainly, if the government could do something like this, corporate america would do something like this!

read well, and spread the word quickly. it may not be long before they pull my blog, or send the black helicopters for me...

baking soda: wonder drug!

big d's random thoughts

so after a sick day, i went back to work yesterday. yes, i still have the same crap. while i still have nasal congestion, it's mainly in my chest now, so i'm to the fun stage of coughing and hacking up dark green phlegm. ew! it totally sucks.

anyway, last night, i took an expectorant, since it had been very helpful recently. i guess i had too much phlegm and mucus to deal with last night. i couldn't sleep for all the coughing. on top of that, i was getting heartburn. i don't know if it was the chips and salsa, or the guck running down my throat as i lay there.

it was quite the night. i was expelling stuff like crazy. i honestly used every available exit between 11pm and 3am.

after a few trips to blow my nose and hack up internal organs, i just put a bucket by my bed. then i started making trips to each bathroom in the house looking for antacids. in addition to the search, i would cough and spit, and blow my nose at every visit. i think i peed on most every visit too. (yes i even defecated. i told you it was every exit.)

no luck. no antacids. no sleep. sometime around 2:45am, one of my noisier bathroom trips woke up my wife. she informed me that there were no antacids in the house, but i could use baking soda. duh. why hadn't i thought of that. i knew that was one of it's million uses. i had seen my dad use it a lot. i guess that's another reason to marry. another brain that works differently than your own can be very helpful. especially in the middle of the night.

now let me defend my actions thusly. i have never really had a problem with heartburn. it has been a minor, very infrequent thing. i don't know that i have ever even eaten antacids. (part pride, part bad memory i'm sure). naturally, i didn't know there was any kind of recipe for drinking baking soda! but i was desperate. i was tired.

you see where this is going don't you? i stumble downstairs to the kitchen (for like the fourth time tonight) and grab the baking soda. i can't see anything on the box about heartburn relief, so i use my own best judgment. my inexperienced, uninformed, sleep deprived, judgment. i get a cup, dump a little baking soda in it, add a little water, and swish it around.

drum roll please? that's right i then slug down a couple swallows of disgusting sludge. i don't remember baking soda tasting so awful. (no i have never ingested it, other than applying it to cankers). anyway, immediately after choking down this nasty slurry, the burping begins. there's this odd rumble in my belly. more burping. increasing in frequency. becoming foamy. i think i'd better go near a toilet. (no, i don't feel at all nauseous, just like the foam may increase too quickly). more burping. not always foamy. augh! what is that growing discomfort in my bowels? i don't think i can contain it. oh, look the toilet is waiting.

exactly. i chucked! then i puked a few times. then i barfed. then i threw up. i'm not using my thesaurus, i just experience a variety of vomit. then i was all cleaned out. all that was left was the desperate need to brush my teeth. i blew my nose thoroughly, and practically ran for my toothbrush. i could practically feel the acid dissolving my teeth.

brush, brush, brush. oh, that feels so much better. mmmm, that tastes sooo much better! i think i'll gargle some mouthwash just to be safe, and to wash out the back of my throat.

much better. what do you know? baking soda got rid of my heartburn!

the odd thing was, i now felt perfectly normal. my stomach didn't hurt. i wasn't weak and shaky. i didn't have any of the little discomforts that typically follow a good spew session. plus, whether my mouth had stopped watering because my heartburn was gone, or the expectorant had worn off, my mucus and phlegm production had virtually ceased, and so had my coughing! it's a baking soda miracle! i climbed back in bed, and felt very comfortable, and ready for sleep.

but... it doesn't end there. you see, i'm not exactly quiet when i hurl, and even from the basement bathroom, there is no question to my wife what had happened. i assure her i was fine. i felt great. just tired, but now i could actually sleep. i explained what had happened. i didn't get the sympathetic understanding you typically get after upchucking. in fact my wife, who until very recently had been sleeping quite soundly, sounded quite awake as she proceeded to laugh at me!

especially after she explained the whole teaspoon of baking soda in a cup of water thing as if everyone on earth knew how you were supposed to use it! yes, she really laughed when i described the sloppy baking soda mud i forced down. she kept laughing, calling me "mount vesuvious," and referencing the science fair volcano's frothing out their baking soda and vinegar. i could see a little humor at that point, but i didn't think it was that funny. i mean, really.

oh well. i didn't particularly care, because i was feeling so much better. in fact from about 3:20am on, i slept great! so next time you're having trouble sleeping, or enduring heartburn, remember the little box of cure-all in your kitchen!