baking soda: wonder drug!

big d's random thoughts

so after a sick day, i went back to work yesterday. yes, i still have the same crap. while i still have nasal congestion, it's mainly in my chest now, so i'm to the fun stage of coughing and hacking up dark green phlegm. ew! it totally sucks.

anyway, last night, i took an expectorant, since it had been very helpful recently. i guess i had too much phlegm and mucus to deal with last night. i couldn't sleep for all the coughing. on top of that, i was getting heartburn. i don't know if it was the chips and salsa, or the guck running down my throat as i lay there.

it was quite the night. i was expelling stuff like crazy. i honestly used every available exit between 11pm and 3am.

after a few trips to blow my nose and hack up internal organs, i just put a bucket by my bed. then i started making trips to each bathroom in the house looking for antacids. in addition to the search, i would cough and spit, and blow my nose at every visit. i think i peed on most every visit too. (yes i even defecated. i told you it was every exit.)

no luck. no antacids. no sleep. sometime around 2:45am, one of my noisier bathroom trips woke up my wife. she informed me that there were no antacids in the house, but i could use baking soda. duh. why hadn't i thought of that. i knew that was one of it's million uses. i had seen my dad use it a lot. i guess that's another reason to marry. another brain that works differently than your own can be very helpful. especially in the middle of the night.

now let me defend my actions thusly. i have never really had a problem with heartburn. it has been a minor, very infrequent thing. i don't know that i have ever even eaten antacids. (part pride, part bad memory i'm sure). naturally, i didn't know there was any kind of recipe for drinking baking soda! but i was desperate. i was tired.

you see where this is going don't you? i stumble downstairs to the kitchen (for like the fourth time tonight) and grab the baking soda. i can't see anything on the box about heartburn relief, so i use my own best judgment. my inexperienced, uninformed, sleep deprived, judgment. i get a cup, dump a little baking soda in it, add a little water, and swish it around.

drum roll please? that's right i then slug down a couple swallows of disgusting sludge. i don't remember baking soda tasting so awful. (no i have never ingested it, other than applying it to cankers). anyway, immediately after choking down this nasty slurry, the burping begins. there's this odd rumble in my belly. more burping. increasing in frequency. becoming foamy. i think i'd better go near a toilet. (no, i don't feel at all nauseous, just like the foam may increase too quickly). more burping. not always foamy. augh! what is that growing discomfort in my bowels? i don't think i can contain it. oh, look the toilet is waiting.

exactly. i chucked! then i puked a few times. then i barfed. then i threw up. i'm not using my thesaurus, i just experience a variety of vomit. then i was all cleaned out. all that was left was the desperate need to brush my teeth. i blew my nose thoroughly, and practically ran for my toothbrush. i could practically feel the acid dissolving my teeth.

brush, brush, brush. oh, that feels so much better. mmmm, that tastes sooo much better! i think i'll gargle some mouthwash just to be safe, and to wash out the back of my throat.

much better. what do you know? baking soda got rid of my heartburn!

the odd thing was, i now felt perfectly normal. my stomach didn't hurt. i wasn't weak and shaky. i didn't have any of the little discomforts that typically follow a good spew session. plus, whether my mouth had stopped watering because my heartburn was gone, or the expectorant had worn off, my mucus and phlegm production had virtually ceased, and so had my coughing! it's a baking soda miracle! i climbed back in bed, and felt very comfortable, and ready for sleep.

but... it doesn't end there. you see, i'm not exactly quiet when i hurl, and even from the basement bathroom, there is no question to my wife what had happened. i assure her i was fine. i felt great. just tired, but now i could actually sleep. i explained what had happened. i didn't get the sympathetic understanding you typically get after upchucking. in fact my wife, who until very recently had been sleeping quite soundly, sounded quite awake as she proceeded to laugh at me!

especially after she explained the whole teaspoon of baking soda in a cup of water thing as if everyone on earth knew how you were supposed to use it! yes, she really laughed when i described the sloppy baking soda mud i forced down. she kept laughing, calling me "mount vesuvious," and referencing the science fair volcano's frothing out their baking soda and vinegar. i could see a little humor at that point, but i didn't think it was that funny. i mean, really.

oh well. i didn't particularly care, because i was feeling so much better. in fact from about 3:20am on, i slept great! so next time you're having trouble sleeping, or enduring heartburn, remember the little box of cure-all in your kitchen!