it's sad when a mother cries...

it's even sadder when someone feels emotional blackmail is the answer!

let me tell you a story, and ask you to be the judge. am i wrong in reacting the way i did?

so i'm at work, getting caught up on some things after missing several days with sick family members, (including myself) over the last couple of weeks. i get a call from meemer. this is fun, 'cause it gives me a break. she asks me if i sent myself some mail. "no" i reply to this odd question, reassuring myself it is no longer april 1st. she then asks if she can open the letter addressed to me, and also listing me as the sender. curious, i say "yeah!" she reads the one line within:

"it's sad when a mother cries.... because she doesn't think her children love her."

that's it? as it sinks in, i grow steadily angrier. what, are we twelve?! one line, typed. address and return address (both me) typed. the only clue, a salt lake city postmark. that doesn't narrow it down much since any mail anybody living on the wasatch front, if not all of northern utah, sends gets that postmark. it is, nonetheless a piece to the larger puzzle. let me give a little more story, so you have the other pieces.

a few weeks ago, my flew up from az to help lil' bro and his fam when their new baby was born. remembering my references to the sick weeks, it worked out to be on the day i did go to work. i felt like crap and missed the day before and after. i hauled some of lil' bro's stuff out of our basement (free storage unit), and drove it to work. i met mom and lil' bro when for lunch when she got in, and handed off the stuff, in exchange for other stuff to drive back to lil'est sis. it was a nice lunch, except that i felt like crap. anyway, i go back to work, they go to provo.

mere day's later, the baby is born, and there was much rejoicing. meemer read about this the morning after on an internet message board she belongs to. eventually, that afternoon, we got an email with some pix. later i even got a call from lil' bro. both unexpected, since we didn't even know they were expecting until someone let it slip a couple of months ago.

anyway, mom wants us to come down that weekend to see the baby, and so she can see our boys. natural, except that after having babies of our own, we understand the busy time it is, and were so grateful when people would (a) come when invited, and (b) keep sick kids away. so since we (a) hadn't been invited by the parents, and (b) had 3 sick kids and 2 sick adults, we declined.

so, the next week starts. at least monday comes. (i was home from work, and one kid was home from school.) mom still wants to see our boys. i call to find out when she's leaving, and invite her to spend the night, and day prior to her flight home with us, and then i would take her to the airport. well lil' bro was planning to bring her to the airport on thursday, but nobody was going to salt lake on wednesday. (quick geography lesson: we live just over an hour's drive from lil' bro, and the slc airport is roughly half-way) i offer to drive wednesday, so she could hop an express bus from provo, then ride home from work with me. she never said no, but started talking about other things, so i guess she had too much luggage to take the bus... i asked if anyone was driving up earlier. somebody was going to salt lake on tuesday, but that was too early to leave. she was still working on invites to lil' bro's graduation. honestly, i was a little surprised, and felt somewhat rejected, but i don't know what's going on down there, so i accept it.

mom then wonders if me and my fam can come spend time with her at the airport. lil' bro will bring her up when he comes up for work around 1pm, and her flight isn't until 6pm. ok, after checking luggage and planning for security checks that leaves, what, three and a half hours? well with current security, we can't get passed baggage claim, so there's not much to do at the airport. downtown salt lake is only 15 minutes away, we could go there and find something to do for 2 or 3 hours. except then the boys are doing whatever there is to do wherever we end up, not spending time with g-ma. oh, and meemer and the baby are still sick. oh, and since i had missed so many days, i'm swamped at work. oh, i also have meetings that i have to be to that afternoon. oh, the baby hates his carseat and screams after the first few minutes. (not cries, screams. like a veloci-raptor. until he is free.) after 40 minutes (each way!) in the van with that, nobody his happy. especially sick mom and baby. again we decline.

flash forward to this morning. "it's sad when a mother cries.... because she doesn't think her children love her."

i know what you're thinking. "bid-d is such a butt-hole it's a wonder any of his family still speak to him!" yes, i'm the dark cloud raining on all family gatherings. i'm the insensitive jerk who gets angry instead of feeling guilty when they receive anonymous notes about their mother crying. how can i even look lil'est sis (you know, the good daughter, who drove to provo) in the eye?

yes, i know i caused pain. i mean i feel like i screwed up the stats! 6-3 instead of 9-0. luckily(?), there is enough backstory, and history, that i any guilt i still feel is swallowed up in anger and frustration. "it's sad when a son/brother..." posts something like this, knowing it may well estrange him from his family. especially when my kids love their cousins and grandparents (on both sides). they should be able to enjoy them and have that relationship. i want them to have that. on the other hand, they're my kids and i want to protect them. from what? i don't know what to call it other than emotional extortion. it goes beyond being taken for granted. it is having someone actively assume that we will bend to the will of the family, regardless of anything else going on in our life.

example: "cousins week 2008!" if you don't know, this is the week+ long reunion that we were told we would attend. (so plan your work schedule accordingly. regardless of what is happening at your work.) oh, we were told that we would be housing certain family members too. (so any of meemer's family who come to town for harry's baptism can get a hotel.) now that's advanced planning! yeah, this is pain i want my boys to have in their lives! we should definitely go to all the reunions and spend every waking moment with these people when they come to town!

so there you have it. granted that last paragraph is dripping in sarcasm, but otherwise, that is the story from my pov. i know this is offensive, but i'm done. i therefore leave the judgement to you. i hope you will comment, and tell me honestly if i am justified, over-reacting, or misinterpreting the whole thing. although, in the spirit of the anonymous letter, i have disabled anonymous comments from this post. own up, or shut up!